Saturday, June 21, 2014

Coming out atheist

A little intro for those who found this without me directing them here

The primary audience for this blog post is friends, family, and some facebook acquaintances that I directed here after I initially come out to them as an atheist.   I hope the post will help them understand some of the things that might have been awkward to discuss face to face, or too complex to discuss in an initial e-mail, and that I am still the same person they knew before I told them I no longer believe in God.    If anyone else stumbles upon the blog, they are free to read and comment as well.   It is my hope that it might help someone who is a fellow atheist who might be feeling they are the only one.   It is also my hope that those who are religious will realize through their interactions with me that atheists are normal people.  We are your friends, relatives, co-workers, doctors, plumbers, contractors, lawyers, teachers, and cashiers.   Feel free to share, but since I am not out to everyone yet, I ask that if you do know me, you allow me to remain anonymous.   If you are a facebook friend and you saw my post on this topic, this means you are NOT one of the select friends I have blocked from seeing my atheist related posts, so I ask that you avoid any discussion of it except for under my posts about atheism or my private facebook message.   Finally, I ask that you not discuss it with my dad if you know him.   He is the one close family member I am electing not to tell.   For some very specific and personal reasons, he would be particularly crushed by it, and I hope to spare him that pain.  He is in poor health, and does not need an added stress.  Discussing it on the internet  is a risk, I realize, but one I am willing to take if it will help someone else.  Thank you for reading.  

 

Brief message I shared with my friends and family before directing them to this blog.


As many of you might have noticed, I tend to avoid discussion of religion and politics on my facebook page. Today, I am breaking my rule and revealing a conclusion I have reached concerning my religious views. First, I ask that you grant me the courtesy of not discussing this outside of this particular post. I am blocking this post from some of my facebook friends for a variety of reasons, and do not wish for them to be aware of it or stumble across comments on my wall. Second, for those who know my dad, I am asking that you not discuss it with him as he also is not aware of the conclusion I have reached, and would be crushed by it. Now to get to the point, which might be shocking and disturbing for some of you. I'll discuss it further for those who care to read it, and will explain how I came to this decision: I am an atheist.

There it is..... the 'a-word'..........A word that instills distrust, pity, anger, even hate in some people who hear it. A word that brings to mind stereotypes of an immoral, untrustworthy, God hating, angry, bitter, person who hates religion and wants to stamp out religious freedom for others. A word that brings to mind an image of a person who has been so deeply hurt and damaged by his/her experiences with religion that he/she now hates anyone and everything associated with religion. Those of you who know me know that none of these things describe me. For those who don't know me, I will tell you that none of these describe me. Perhaps some of you are thinking "Ok. Big deal. Who cares?". Perhaps some have already stopped reading and have unfriended me. Perhaps some are now deeply concerned for my soul and will pray for me. All of those responses are absolutely fine. But perhaps some of you have been experiencing the inner struggle that I have experienced over the past decade or so. Maybe you have questioned your faith, struggled to hold onto it because you want to, because it is expected, or because you feel like you 'need to'. Maybe you have thought you were the only one in your neighborhood, your professional group, or your circle of friends who felt that way. That is why I am posting this. So those people will know they are not alone, and that it is possible to find others who share your views.   I have provided a very detailed story of my religious background, and what led me to become an atheist on my blog.   There, I also discuss some myths about atheists.  I hope all of you will take time to read it.

Why is the blog anonymous?   Why not be completely 'out?' Why not discuss it freely on facebook?

 

Mostly for professional reasons.  Though my status as an atheist does not affect my ability as a professional, I am well aware that we are in the Bible Belt and that some clients might not want an atheist to provide professional services. It isn't right or fair, and I'm sure most clients who know me well would not care. However, since I am not the owner of the business and clients' perceptions of me affect my boss's bottom line instead of my own, I will not be 'out' to them at this time.



My religious background




For those of you who do not know me, I was raised in a Christian family. Baptist to be exact. My parents taught me to love God and to be thankful that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. They took me to church nearly every time the doors were open. They showed me by example how to pray, how to have faith in God, and how to trust that God was in control and would not give us more than we could handle. I have left religion because of my own skepticism, and thorough research. I sincerely hope my family does not feel it is due to any failure on their part. I say that not because I feel that my atheism is a personal character flaw or defect for which I must apologize, but because I know some close family members hold religion near and dear and will feel they did something wrong to cause me to lose my faith. I liked church as a child.

My Sunday school teachers were wonderful people who made Bible stories come to life. Our choir and our congregation sang upbeat gospel music and I looked forward to Bible school every summer. The church members were there for us when our family struggled financially. They bought winter coats for my sister and me one year, and sent us to church camp. Our church was not perfect. Some members were judgmental, and there was a gender based double standard in some situations. They held beliefs that worldly things such as movies, secular music, school dances, and pants on women were sinful. Fortunately, my parents had enough independent thought that they didn't buy into everything the church taught. As a result, I got to wear pants and shorts, was allowed to watch TV, could be a 'tom-boy', and could dress up for Halloween. Though my parents were more strict than many of my friend's parents, I didn't feel too constrained. I was never molested by a church leader, never felt terrified during sermons (our church preached about the threat of Hell, but primarily focused on the grace of God and the glory of Heaven), and never taught that as a girl, my only option was to get married, obey my husband, and keep my mouth shut. That I could go to college and pursue a career was never in question. I know some people raised with religion have very different experiences, but those are mine.

I was Born Again in elementary school. For those of you who don't know, some Christians believe the only way into Heaven is to confess your sins, accept that Jesus died for your sins, and accept him as your Savior. For this, you will receive eternal life in Heaven after you die. When I said that prayer, it was during an alter call at church, and at that time, I truly felt moved inside to do it, and I truly felt the power of God's love as I said the prayer. But, by the time I was in middle school, as the Sunday school lessons moved past the storybook and craft stage, and especially once I was old enough to graduate from Children's Church to the adult congregation, I stopped liking church. I found it boring to be quite honest. As I transitioned from childhood to adolescence, I stopped feeling a real connection to God. At the time, it wasn't anything I was really even aware of. I saw it in other people but stopped feeling it myself. I never woke up excited to go to church. It was just something I did because it was required. I prayed, sang the hymns, and believed in God. I didn't question his existence or the teachings of the church, but never really experienced the feeling of peace and euphoria some people felt in church.



OK, so lots of kids don't like church, but they don't become atheists.  How did this happen?




Very gradually, over about 20 years!  When I went to college, I felt no need or desire to go to church. I still did not question the existence of God, Heaven, or Hell, and still took comfort in prayer and thoughts of an all powerful being looking out for us. I did however, start to question some of what I had been taught. For the first time, I was exposed to people of a variety of religions (though no openly atheist people) as well as openly gay people. How could the Christian god be the one true god when people of other faiths were firmly convinced that their god also the one true god? How could people who were not born again be going to hell when they were good decent people? How could homosexuals be going to hell when they also believed in God and were good decent people? So, I started to tell myself "well, the Bible just shouldn't be taken literally" , "No one knows for sure what God meant by that verse". I didn't try to justify my changing beliefs, didn't delve deeply into the Bible trying to make it make sense with my changing view. I simply didn't think much about it.

I took classes in evolutionary biology and the science made perfect sense. This is an area that I do not have a great recall on. I remember learning in Sunday School that God created the universe in 6 days and rested on the 7th, but I do not recall being taught whether they were 6 literal days or not, I don't remember if I was taught that the Earth was just 6,000 years old, and I don't remember being taught that dinosaurs and people inhabited Earth at the same time. I do not remember what I was taught about the origins of the universe in school. While I remember loving science, especially biology, I don't specifically remember what I was taught about evolution, and I don't remember debates on Creationism vs. Evolution. For me the Creationism vs Evolution debate was never difficult. Evolution made sense. I believed in God, but really didn't think about what his role was in the creation of the universe.

After I graduated, and became established in my career, I felt I should find a church. I still believed in God, still identified as a Christian, and wanted to find a church that was more liberal than the one in which I was raised. I visited a couple, never found one that was right, and finally stopped trying. I found I lacked a sense of need for a connection to God, and I did not feel there was a void in my life that I needed to fill with religion. I realized I was seeking a church because I thought I 'should', not because I felt I needed it. The last time I felt any sense of needing to be close to God was on September 11th, 2001. After watching the footage of that terrible day over and over, I felt a deep need to pray, to be close to God, and to be around other Christians. I attended a prayer vigil at a local church, wept and prayed and held hands with other Christians. I was expecting to feel God's presence in the church and take some comfort from it, but that isn't what happened. I felt only sorrow for the lives lost, compassion and comfort from fellow Christians in the church, and fear for what would happen next. There was no sense of comfort from God and no desire to bring my life back to God. I did not feel any connection to God whatsoever.  I did briefly renew my search for a church in a final effort to get close to God again in the aftermath of 9/11, but that passed quickly.

For years after that, I simply called myself 'not religious'. I didn't pray, didn't look at a sunset and marvel at the wonders of God, and didn't feel like anything was missing in my life. I simply did not think about religion. I am not sure exactly when I started questioning the existence of God, but more and more often, when natural disasters, horrific crimes, or terrible accidents happened, I'd listen to people say "God works in mysterious ways" "God was really looking out for this person", "God let this person live because it wasn't his time", "God helped this person survive his disease, but this person died because God was ready to take her home", and none of it made sense. These were phrases I'd heard all my life, and accepted as true when I was a child. As an adult when I really thought about the meaning of these phrases, they no longer made sense. I wondered why people thought God's grace saved a little girl from a tornado when her home and entire family were lost. Why didn't he simply stop the tornado? Spare the whole neighborhood? Why was he guiding the wheel of a car, and allowing the person to survive with severe injuries and months of rehabilitation when he could have prevented the accident in the first place? Why were children in Third World countries dying of starvation and preventable disease while God's mercy shone on wealthy countries? Why were people in California losing homes and lives to wildfire worsened by drought while people in Louisiana were dying in floods from Hurricane Katrina? If God did exist, and was all powerful and loving, why did so much pain and suffering exist? It wasn't something I thought about all the time, and not something I actively researched. It entered my mind when a tragedy happened, or when people made some of the comments above, but for the most part I just didn't think about it. I continued to be 'not religious'.




 

The leap from 'not religious' to atheist




It wasn't until last year that I felt compelled to stop sitting on the fence. Either I believed in God or I didn't. Identifying as 'not religious' began to seem like a cop-out. So, I studied Bible verses on-line and really tried to understand their meaning, I had discussions with people of varying beliefs in a private facebook group, researched stories of people who claimed to be harmed by religion (including children raised in cults and confirmed stories of children who died as a result of abuse or neglect in the name of religion), listened to sermons on-line, read stories of people who claimed to have seen Heaven during near death experiences, and people who claimed to have been healed by faith. I read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, and it's rebuttal "The Dawkins Delusion" by Alister McGrath, an atheist turned theologian. The conclusion was that I do not believe in God.   I get that some people are going to be upset or distressed by this.   This is not a decision I came to lightly, and not one that didn't cause some discomfort and stress for me.    However, I have moved past that, and am now comfortable with my decision.   While I am very willing to answer questions under my atheist related facebook posts, or through facebook messaging,  I do not wish to debate the existence of God, and I am not interested in attempts to bring me back to religion.  I will return the favor by not disrespecting anyone's religion or trying to convince anyone to stop believing.




Why tell people?  Shouldn't this stay private?  Why do I need to rub it in our faces? 




For several reasons.    Primarily, I'm simply tired of 'covering my tracks'.   As an adult, I shouldn't have to tell people I'm going to a  conference related to my profession when I'm really going to an atheist convention.  Shouldn't have to tell them I'm going to visit a friend out of town when I'm really going to book signing by an atheist writer.     Lying about these things is very uncomfortable for me. 
I WANT to be able to tell people I went to a conference and met a prominent atheist activist.   This is as exciting to me as meeting a famous pastor would be for a Christian, and I want to be able to discuss and share things that are important to me.

Also, as I said above, I hope it will help others who might have recently left religion.  Realizing you aren't alone is tremendously helpful.   I hope it will help religious people realize that they do know at least one atheist and that I'm not evil or miserable. 

I don't believe simply sharing my story is intruding on anyone.   I'm not trying to change anyone's belief in their god.  I'm just sharing my experience in the same way that someone who just became a Christian might share their testimony in a Christian blog.




 I do not hate religion 





I am not anti-religion. I do not begrudge anyone their faith. Personal experience has taught me that religion can do good, and I have seen people I know and love take great comfort in it. Religious people who fly planes into building, molest children, deny medical care to children, and protest funerals of soldiers are a minority, and by no means do I think they represent religion as a whole. That said, I do not believe religion is required for morality. I am no more or less moral than I was when I was a Christian. I know life-long atheists who are also every bit as moral as those raised with religion.  There are moral and immoral atheists, and there are moral and immoral religious people.

It isn't my desire to stamp out religion or talk anyone into giving up their faith. That said, I do not believe religion should be taught in schools (other than as an elective subject). Religion is for church and home. School is for education. Teachers should not lead prayer or force students to pray. Prayer should not be a part of official school or government business. Employers should not force religious beliefs on employees. However, a child who wishes to bring a Bible or other religious text to school to read during free time should be allowed to do so. While this is already perfectly legal, there have been cases where teachers prohibited their students from bringing religious texts to school. That is wrong.  Student athletes who wish to pray before a game should be allowed (not forced) to do so, as long as it isn't school sanctioned. A school valedictorian should be able to include in her speech a mention of the deity in which she believes as long as she isn't proselytizing. A member of Congress who wishes to pray privately before a session should be free to do so. Religious clubs should be allowed at school as long as secular clubs are also allowed. One story that recently angered me was a high school student in NC who wished to start Secular student club. There were already several Christian clubs in the school, but this young lady was told the club would not 'fit in' at the school. After threatening a lawsuit, she was allowed to move forward, but she was forced to drop it after her family was subjected to harassment and even death threats. That is wrong. I have no desire to remove Bibles from hotel rooms, but if another group (including atheists) wish to distribute literature, they should be able to do so freely. I felt this way as a Christian too, so these thoughts are nothing new. 

Some atheists do not agree with me on these topics.    Some could not care less whether a football coach prays with the team before a game while some think there is no place for religion in school or the workplace under any circumstances.  There is no such thing as a typical atheist.  Take any group of us, and you will find we might disagree on more than we agree.  Sometimes, the only thing we have in common is our lack of belief in a god.  





How it felt to realize once and for all that I was an atheist.




Once I identified as an atheist, I felt a sense of relief that I had finally sorted out my belief system, but I also felt an incredible sense of isolation. There was NO ONE I could talk to about it. I didn't know a single person who was an outspoken atheist. I realized how pervasive religion was. I hadn't noticed before because as a Christian myself, I never thought how religion looked to an 'outsider'. I immersed myself in podcasts about atheism to find out how other atheists viewed the world, how they dealt with these feelings, and how they approached coming out to friends and family.

 I found a blog called The Friendly Atheist by Hemant Mehta who is a teacher, blogger, and leader of the Secular Student Alliance. A couple of podcasts I found helpful were The Thinking Atheist by Seth Andrews, and archived episodes of a cable access show out of Texas called The Atheist Experience. I found out that my experience was very common. Through the internet, I found a group called the Triangle Freethought Society based out of Raleigh, and an Atheist Meetup group based out of Greensboro. Through these groups, I have made contacts and found a way to discuss issues I can't discuss elsewhere. Though I don't find it easy to mingle and meet people, I'm slowly getting to know some of the wonderful people in these groups and have immensely enjoyed our conversations. I also follow several Atheist based facebook pages. I have found a great sense of community and support with the people in these groups. This does not mean I wish to abandon current relationships, and it doesn't mean anyone needs to tiptoe around me. I will not attack anyone for their beliefs. If I tell you I'm sick and you say "I'll pray for you", I 'll say "thank you". If you say "God bless you" when I sneeze, I'll say "thank you". If you say "Merry Christmas", I'll say it back. Honestly, I never understood the whole "Merry Christmas" vs "Happy Holidays" debate. I believe everyone should take the greetings in the spirit with which they are intended.






Myths about atheists







There are many misconceptions about atheists, and I want to address a few of them here

1. Atheists hate god: False. Atheists do not believe in God, and therefore cannot hate him

2. Atheists worship Satan: Incorrect. Atheists worship no deity, and do not believe in Satan.


3. Atheists lack religion, so they have no morals: Incorrect. While it is true that most religions provide rules and codes for believers to follow, religion is NOT required for morality. There are good and bad people of all faiths, and good and bad people who lack faith. The atheists I know are loving spouses, parents, and community activists. They collect food for the homeless, collect money to send kids to summer camp, and clean highways. They have empathy and compassion for others just as religious people do.

4. Atheists eat babies: Ok, I have no idea if anyone actually thinks that, but it does come up on message boards. For the record, we do not.

5. Atheists are angry and bitter: Sure, some are. Most are not. We are people with a wide variety of emotions, personalities, and perspectives.

6: Atheists are arrogant and think religious people are stupid: See #5. There is no such thing as a 'typical atheist'. Honestly, some do openly mock religion and think religious people are stupid. Most, however, are respectful of differing opinions, and realize that there are plenty of intelligent religious people (and plenty of stupid atheists!). We do resent it when religious people try to force their religions views on us against our will.

7. Atheists became atheists because something traumatic happened to them: Almost everyone has been through trauma. Some worse than others. Trauma can strengthen a person's faith, weaken their faith, lead them to faith, lead them away from faith, or have absolutely no impact on their faith at all. It is true that some people have suffered horribly in the name religion and have become atheists because of it. Some people are raised without faith and they either studied and rejected religion or never considered it at all. Many were raised with religion and over the course of time began questioning without being prompted by a traumatic event.

I hope this helps clear up any misconceptions. Just as a Christians wouldn't want someone picturing Westboro Baptist Church when when they tell people they are Christian, atheists don't want people to picture images of negative atheist stereotypes when they tell people they are atheist.



So, that's in in a very, very long nutshell. If anyone is still reading, thank you. I look forward to your comments. Please keep it respectful, both toward me and toward each other.